I remember the exact day when I wrote the following poem. It was a Tuesday and it had been a particularly challenging day with my then 10-month-old. I had finally gotten LJ to sleep after a 2 hour-long “battle”. I sat in the silent living room, holding my breath, waiting for him to start crying for me again. I suddenly felt the urge to write and within minutes I had finished this piece. I reread it every year on my son’s birthday.
Every year on his birthday I toy with the idea of polishing it up. Because it is not perfect. I don’t typically write in verse, so there are parts where the meter and rhythm are off. But, this raw version means so much to me because of the head-space I was in when I originally wrote it. You see, it was written in the “the dark days” of PPD/PPA with a high-needs baby that only wanted to sleep while I was holding him-who raged the second I left his sight. I often felt like I was failing at this whole parenting thing. And yet, it was during this challenging time that I felt most inspired by my love for him.
A mother’s love isn’t built in the easy moment’s of happy days. It is forged in the chaos of sleepless nights and fears of failure. Love is shaped in the space between happy moments. The reason I hesitate when I think about editing this piece is because I vividly remember typing every single word in the midst of feeling so overwhelmed and tired and anxious. I wrote this, tears falling, desperate to get it out before my baby woke up again. This was the pivotal night when the reality of motherhood collided with what I had dreamed it would be like.
My son turns five years old tomorrow and there are far more easy days and far fewer hard moments. This year instead of reading it in private, I decided to share it as a way of celebrating my amazing little boy. A little boy who is silly, wild, creative, sensitive, challenging, anxious, charming, loud, and brilliant. Mothering him is not what I imagined, it’s better.
Dream Baby
In my dreams, I saw your eyes
Blue like the fierce and stormy skies.
Twinkling and bright with wild curiosity
Ready to see the world in my company.
In my dreams, I heard you speak
And laugh and cry and sing with me.
As your dreamy voice filled my heart and ears
I knew it would bring me joy the rest of my years.
In a dream I saw you before
You are not what I imagined, far more.
You came and woke me with all your possibility
The most beautiful baby given just to me.
In my dreams, I held you close and tight
The weight of your body in my arms fitting just right.
I’d hug you and dance with you and gently sway
We’d twirl and spin and rock all our fears away.
In a dream I saw you before
You are not what I imagined, far more.
You came and woke me with all your possibility
The most beautiful baby given just to me.
In my dreams, I saw you smile
The sight stopped my heartbeat for a while.
Your strawberry colored lips curling up in glee
The joy on your face brought me to my knees.
In my dreams, I kissed your nose
And your hair, and fingers, and each one of your toes.
My fingers traced the curves of your cheeks
And held your hand as you fell asleep.
In a dream I saw you before
You are not what I imagined, far more.
You came and woke me with all your possibility
The most beautiful baby given just to me.
In my dreams, I loved you so
But I never imagined how that love would grow.
Amazing little one, you put my dreams to shame
Fantasies turned dull the moment you came.
You changed the world because you have changed me
Seeing, holding, loving you is greater than any dream.
